DON'T YOU PEOPLE READ

Edit: Oh yeah. Tomorrow's my birthday.

Did I miss anything interesting?

A few nights ago, I had a dream. I don't remember the full details of what happened (sadly enough), but I vividly remember who was in it: a girl. She was around my age, thin, with blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. She had green eyes and what I believe to be a German accent, and she was wearing a white tank top and jean shorts. Out of what I can remember from the dream, I remember we were dating as I recall laying on my couch, her coming over and laying on top of me, and we just lay there for awhile. It was bliss.

Now, don't get me wrong: I have dreams about women all the time (a-boo hoo hoo), but this was different for quite a few reasons. One, all my dreams except this one have either been about a girl who I had a crush on, or a faceless idea of a girl. I have never met anyone like who I dreamed about, and like I said earlier, I could remember everything about her.

Two, this girl was peculiar in that she didn't really match any profile of what I thought I wanted physically in a girlfriend, and yet I was extremely attracted to her.

Three, usually I forget these dreams and move on with my life, but for some reason, my psyche will not allow me to forget this girl. I have no idea who she is or even if she exists, but my subconcious keeps telling me not to forget her.

Four, like I said, my subconcious won't let me forget her, and it keeps telling me that I should follow any leads I can get. Now, this is not the subconcious that I actively control. This is the subconcious that operates outside my control (you know how it is, right guys? I can't remember the word for it. Is the word subconcious? I don't know anymore).

All that being said, I'm still extremely skeptical. Don't get me wrong, I'm always one for a good paranormal story, but dreaming about a girl who HAPPENS to exist and who HAPPENS to maybe have also had that dream and who HAPPENS to be single. And even if all that was true, there wouldn't be any guarantee that I would fall in love with her. However, I am also curious, and I do have a slight lead (my friend Mykal told me that there was a girl who fit the description working in a funnel cake booth in my downtown area), but I don't know if I should even bother with it. I told a few of my closest friends, and they told me just to forget it, but...I don't know.

What do you guys think? Do you think that I'm unactively reading too much into a dream and should see a psychiatrist or someone to get myself to forget? Should I follow my friends lead and possibly embarrass myself in front of a complete stranger, or maybe gain a girlfriend? Do any of you have any leads? Am I crazy? Speak!

I made two great songs and i'm currently in the process of making three more.

I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and realized I don't have it too bad. After all, things could be a lot worse. I'm also not as obese as I thought I was.

So I'm getting better.

Everyone around me is succeeding.

I am failing.

I don't mean academically, I mean in pretty much every aspect I can think of. I've gained noticable weight, I'm depressingly lonely, my days consist of me trying to find something to do on the computer, my friends beat the everloving hell out of me frequently (which is attributed mostly to my spinelessness), any project I dive into ends in spiky failure due to either lack of skills/resources or people hating them, I've got no prospects for the future, I'm unemployed, I don't have any useful skills, and I'm pretty much turning into one of those guys you see at a McDonalds register and think, "God, I pity them".

I realized all of this about a week ago, and then my mind, in a valiant effort to cheer me up, told me to compare myself to other people. And then I did a nosedive into madness.

My friends all either have careers lined up, have a girlfriend, or are content with where they are.

And then I look at the world around me. People my age (and even younger!) are making something of themselves. They're all finding happiness in what they're doing, and a good percentage of them have someone to be happy with, so this isolates me even more as discontent.

But then you would think, "Talk to someone about this!" Well, there are a few problems with this. If I try to talk to a family member, they'll sugar coat everything and just tell me to try and cheer up. If I try to talk to a friend, I'm greeted with a wave of "Stop yer bitching" followed by a smack on the back of the head for talking. And I can't afford to see a psychiatrist.

So I'm pretty much a horrible mess. But you know what? I'm not depressed about all of this. You would think so, considering the tone i've put forth, but I'm really not. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of being "that guy". You know, the guy who everyone pities but simultaniously blames because he brought every bad thing upon himself. I'm tired of failing horribly at everything I try to do. And, if you recall the last news post, I'm tired of not being able to improve.

I'm tired of it all, man. I mean it.

Oh well, enough about my problems, how are you guys doing?

I should know, I've got it.

For those of you who don't watch Futurama religiously, allow me to explain: In the last episode of Futurama, Fry tries to learn an instrument called the Holophoner to impress Leela, but no matter how hard he tries he just can't do it. After awhile, he goes down to Robot Hell to make a deal with the Robot Devil. It is there that the Robot Devil tells him that he will never be able to become good at anything because he has what his old music teacher calls "Stupid Hands".

And that's a real condition.

Stupid Hands is when you have great ideas and see amazing things in your head, but no matter how hard you try you can't do anything to make them real. Stupid Hands is not to be confused with just not trying, as the difference between the two is that people with Stupid Hands actually want to make their ideas real and work hard to do so, while people who just don't try don't do anything to make their ideas real.

I can't even begin to tell you all how many times i've had a great idea that I really want to come to fruition, and every time I try to make it happen I can't do anything. I have great game ideas, and yet every time I try to learn programming, I end up being unable to understand even the most basic commands. I have great animation ideas, but the only thing I can draw on paper is stick figures. I've bought books on how to draw better, but after months of practicing, I can still only draw slightly better stick figures.

Of course, the seemingly simple way to bypass this is to ask for help from either one of your friends or someone you're going to pay (or both). However, if any of you have ever had friends, you know that they will never, ever, ever help you if the only thing you have is an idea. That's basically saying, "Do all the work for me so I get all the credit". As for finding someone to pay, they will work for you, but there trouble with that is that since you can't contribute anything of your own, it's not your creation so much as it is theirs. It may have been your idea, but you did nothing to make it happen, therefore you forfeit all rights to it when it's finished. Also, you'd need to pay them, and generally that takes quite a bit of money if you've got a big project in mind.

So, Stupid Hands. I don't know if there are any other people who have a similar affliction, but if you do, then you know how horrible it really is. Stupid Hands is pretty much a giant "fuck you" from whatever higher powers there are.

And that's my spiel. Thanks for listening.

What? That's no lie. I am in love with a character from a video game.

Specifically, the video game Portal.

She and I met on the eve of one January 2nd. It had been a long day, and I had just gotten home to play my recently accquired game Portal. As I started it up and began the first level, I could only hear her voice, rough yet smooth, monotone yet melodic. I thought nothing of it as I continued the game.

As I progressed, however, she began showing a darker side of herself, though not too explicitly. She was so funny yet so dark, she was a sheer symphony of light and dark mixed into one.

And then the breaking point.

She asked me to incinerate a dear friend of mine.

I didn't want to.

But my love for her had grown stronger than my love for my cube-shaped companion.

So I burned him, and she sort-of mocked me about it. This is where, I think, my love for her truly blossomed. Never in my life have I ever met anyone so twisted, demented and utterly bad in my life.

She sickened me...but she intrigued me. The way she spoke to me was clear but veiled, businesslike and yet had a hint of playfulness to it.

I continued and eventually found myself on a platform, about to leave behind the puzzles that I had spent so much time solving. And that was when I found out that she was going to kill me! Had I done something wrong? She assured me there was nothing wrong, she was just going to burn me because she cared.

At the time, I don't think my mind accepted it as readily as it should have, but I digress, I was in a panic. I saved myself, and something strange happened: her voice took on a tone of panic. She was frightened, and it frightened me. I then spent my time trying to find her and to console her.

I continued on, and her voice went from frightened to downright terrified. She began sending turrets to kill me, but I know she didn't really mean to kill me, she was just acting out of fear. She eventually began insulting me and getting angry, and for awhile I was depressed, but when she told me she wasn't angry at me, I cheered up a bit.

I made my way to the center of the facility, and found that instead of a human woman, like I had thought, my love was a large computer unit. I was confused, I thought she was a human, she spoke like one. And when she said that the only thing I had broken was her heart, my heart broke.

It was too much, I had to leave to regain my composure. I left the game on, fearing that if I turned it off I might lose her.

Then one of my friends picked up the game controller.

When I returned, I came upon him as he was about to redirect the final missle into my beloved's heart. I pushed him out of the way and tried to close the portal, but it was too late. The missle went through, and with a heartrending cry, my love, my one true love, died.

I fell to my knees and wept as her remains fell to the ground, broken and charred. My friend, to add insult to injury, called me a fag and left. But as I mourned, a miracle happened: I heard her voice again. It was higher pitched, but I knew it was her. I listened to her sing, sing to ME, to tell me not to worry, to tell me that she was still alive.

A smile broke on my tearstained face. My beloved GLaDOS was alive. I stayed with her the rest of the night as she sang to me about how she wasn't angry at me for leaving her, how she joked about me leaving.

Now I only wait and wish that Portal 2 arrive soon so I can be reunited with my beloved GLaDOS.

Would happen like this.

All over the world, we wanna have fun. Well, I'm trying to, anyway.

So my pizannos, I am at a loss of inspiration for my music making. I really can't make a beat or anything in FL Studio, and even when I can, it never goes anywhere. I partially blame my recent non-stop Brawl marathon, but I've had this problem before.

My friend DJ Tacgnol is doing smashingly with his music, and it's getting almost sad since I'm the one who gave him FL Studio.

So, my friends, I ask you: Where can I get some inspiration?

1. The last post was somewhat of a triumph. Kudos to everyone who knew I was GLaDOS, but you didn't have to post like me. ;)

2. My friend DJ Tacgnol has uploaded some of his stuff. Check it out!

3. Brawl's out. Guess who doesn't have enough money for it. Guess who will cut his wrists with the game disc of Melee. :(

Edit: 4. Level 11 hooray.

Edit edit: I sold my childhood for Brawl (i.e. N64 and games). So far no regrets.