Sorry about the mess, everyone. It's just every now and then I get into these whatchacallits. Horrible realizations of my life.
But I'm over that now, so back to chipper me.
Also, new song. GOCHECKITOUT.
So, after months of remember how my friends shamelessly neglected to invite me to go see WALL-E, and hearing how cool it was, I finally rented it. Overall, a very good movie, I loved it. But then, a little while after watching it, while I was in the middle of cooking some chicken, I had the strangest feeling. It was subtle, something one could easily brush off (which I invariably did). After eating my chicken and feeling so great, I decided to surf the Internet. And the damnedest thing happened: I had directed myself to the WALL-E Wikipedia article, and was reading about WALL-E and EVE, and in the other window I had opened up DeviantART and was looking up pictures of EVE, without even realizing it.
It was at this point I realized I had this weird sensation a few times before. It was a sense of emptiness, a sense of longing, a sense of broken-ness. And for the past few hours up until this very point, it has magnified a bit. This has happened before, always whenever I read or watch a fictional story about romance.
My friends, I am pining for love.
True, unbelievably strong love, something that, if everything else in my life fails, I have someone to be with, something to hold on for. Something that would make me look death straight on and say, "Yes, this is worth fighting to the death for."
And it's gotten so bad that right now, at this moment, I am on wikiHow looking up how to find love. I want what WALL-E and EVE have, the mutual love for each other. I want to find someone that I could grow old with and never, ever, EVER tire of seeing. One of my friends is in love, and there is no word to describe how envious I am of him.
Sadly, though, I have never been in love like that before, and I'm so emotionally jaded that I don't even think I know how to fall in love. I know it sounds like a paradox: the loveless longing for love, but it's strong enough that I'm writing about it on a public website to people i've never even met in hopes for advice and perhaps even a little hope to quell my aching heart.
Well, that might be a bit too much to ask for. I know those who would care enough to respond nicely would respond with something to the extent of "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll find someone". And, as appreciative as I would be of that, it's not what the hopeless romantic in me needs. However, any help, be it this kind of response or otherwise, would be wonderful.
Tell me, have you journeyed far? You seem weary. Do not worry, you may rest in my castle tonight.
Ah, where are my manners? You may call me Count La-Ducar, current owner of this land. Tell me, what are your names? Oh, I must seem terribly rude, I apologize. I was about to sit down for dinner, would you care to join me?
That is excellent to hear.
I hope you fancy roasted chicken with scalloped potatoes, beef gravy and the finest wine you will find in all of Transylvania. Oh, do not worry about me, I do not usually eat until later. This dinner is primarily for my servants, but there is usually quite a bit of food leftover, so your presence is not imposing. After you eat, if you wish, you may adjourn to your rooms. The guest bedrooms are up the stairs and to the left, choose any room you wish.
Unfortunately, I must soon be leaving, I have business in the town below. But please, do not hesitate to make yourselves at home. Have a good night's sleep.
After all, rest is good for the blood.
Ha ha ha ha....
DON'T YOU PEOPLE READ
Edit: Oh yeah. Today's my birthday. Will someone make me a birthday thread? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
Edit edit: Birthday came and gone. Got cool stuff. Still nothing to see here.
A few nights ago, I had a dream. I don't remember the full details of what happened (sadly enough), but I vividly remember who was in it: a girl. She was around my age, thin, with blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. She had green eyes and what I believe to be a German accent, and she was wearing a white tank top and jean shorts. Out of what I can remember from the dream, I remember we were dating as I recall laying on my couch, her coming over and laying on top of me, and we just lay there for awhile. It was bliss.
Now, don't get me wrong: I have dreams about women all the time (a-boo hoo hoo), but this was different for quite a few reasons. One, all my dreams except this one have either been about a girl who I had a crush on, or a faceless idea of a girl. I have never met anyone like who I dreamed about, and like I said earlier, I could remember everything about her.
Two, this girl was peculiar in that she didn't really match any profile of what I thought I wanted physically in a girlfriend, and yet I was extremely attracted to her.
Three, usually I forget these dreams and move on with my life, but for some reason, my psyche will not allow me to forget this girl. I have no idea who she is or even if she exists, but my subconcious keeps telling me not to forget her.
Four, like I said, my subconcious won't let me forget her, and it keeps telling me that I should follow any leads I can get. Now, this is not the subconcious that I actively control. This is the subconcious that operates outside my control (you know how it is, right guys? I can't remember the word for it. Is the word subconcious? I don't know anymore).
All that being said, I'm still extremely skeptical. Don't get me wrong, I'm always one for a good paranormal story, but dreaming about a girl who HAPPENS to exist and who HAPPENS to maybe have also had that dream and who HAPPENS to be single. And even if all that was true, there wouldn't be any guarantee that I would fall in love with her. However, I am also curious, and I do have a slight lead (my friend Mykal told me that there was a girl who fit the description working in a funnel cake booth in my downtown area), but I don't know if I should even bother with it. I told a few of my closest friends, and they told me just to forget it, but...I don't know.
What do you guys think? Do you think that I'm unactively reading too much into a dream and should see a psychiatrist or someone to get myself to forget? Should I follow my friends lead and possibly embarrass myself in front of a complete stranger, or maybe gain a girlfriend? Do any of you have any leads? Am I crazy? Speak!
I made two great songs and i'm currently in the process of making three more.
I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and realized I don't have it too bad. After all, things could be a lot worse. I'm also not as obese as I thought I was.
So I'm getting better.
Everyone around me is succeeding.
I am failing.
I don't mean academically, I mean in pretty much every aspect I can think of. I've gained noticable weight, I'm depressingly lonely, my days consist of me trying to find something to do on the computer, my friends beat the everloving hell out of me frequently (which is attributed mostly to my spinelessness), any project I dive into ends in spiky failure due to either lack of skills/resources or people hating them, I've got no prospects for the future, I'm unemployed, I don't have any useful skills, and I'm pretty much turning into one of those guys you see at a McDonalds register and think, "God, I pity them".
I realized all of this about a week ago, and then my mind, in a valiant effort to cheer me up, told me to compare myself to other people. And then I did a nosedive into madness.
My friends all either have careers lined up, have a girlfriend, or are content with where they are.
And then I look at the world around me. People my age (and even younger!) are making something of themselves. They're all finding happiness in what they're doing, and a good percentage of them have someone to be happy with, so this isolates me even more as discontent.
But then you would think, "Talk to someone about this!" Well, there are a few problems with this. If I try to talk to a family member, they'll sugar coat everything and just tell me to try and cheer up. If I try to talk to a friend, I'm greeted with a wave of "Stop yer bitching" followed by a smack on the back of the head for talking. And I can't afford to see a psychiatrist.
So I'm pretty much a horrible mess. But you know what? I'm not depressed about all of this. You would think so, considering the tone i've put forth, but I'm really not. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of being "that guy". You know, the guy who everyone pities but simultaniously blames because he brought every bad thing upon himself. I'm tired of failing horribly at everything I try to do. And, if you recall the last news post, I'm tired of not being able to improve.
I'm tired of it all, man. I mean it.
Oh well, enough about my problems, how are you guys doing?